Have you ever heard the saying “ You are strong, you can handle anything”? That’s bs in my opinion. Even if that statement were true, it doesn’t necessarily give the right to anyone to think that they can dish out shii because the other person can handle it. We are all human after all. When you hurt someone, you may have not thought about the implications on the other person. You may never know their story, their past, their strength or lack thereof, or their emotions. Whether you hurt someone, intentionally or unintentionally, the process to apologize is the same. Here are a few steps to getting you back to a place of peace with the one you hurt.
1. Acknowledge Your Mistake
There are times when people don’t want to go back to the incident because the realization of their behavior doesn’t allow them to want to revisit that space. However, a true apology starts with acknowledging what was said or done and allowing the emotion of what that means now, to flow through. You are not reliving the experience, but you are in the motion of understanding the negative emotions brought out by that experience. And the only way to do that is to confront that space to clear it.
2. Acknowledge The Other Person’s Feelings
Verbalize what you believe the other person experienced when you hurt them. By verbalizing it from the hurt person’s perspective, you make it known that their emotional response is recognized. Ask them to let you know if there was anything else they felt that they would like you to know. Repeat that back in the way you understood it. By doing this you create a safe space for them to know you truly understand the impact of the hurt.
3. Apologize
Like really apologize. Starting out with “ I apologize for what I did” is a crap way to star an apology, according to me. What did we learn when we were kids? If you messed up, your parents told you to “say sorry”. Just because you are an adult, doesn’t mean you to use a word that describes being remorseful, without actually saying it. Yea, “I apologize” isn’t the same as saying “ I’m sorry”. Start off your apology with the words “I’m sorry”. Also never follow those words with “but” because that negates your apology. If you are truly sorry for what you’ve done, show it without defending yourself.
4. Your Intention Not Repeat
Making a mistake once is one thing. Repeating a mistake shows you truly do not care about the other person or yourself. If you know that something is wrong, why would you do it again? If you know yourself to do it again, then know that your apology is not true. The intent of your apology is key. If you do not intend to do it again, then let them know that it will not ever happen. However, if you are not able to keep that promise, then maybe it is time to seek self-care. Hurt people, hurt people. Find out how to care for yourself in this post, so you don’t seek to unintentionally hurt others. Let them know of your intention to not make the mistake again. After that, let them know how you plan to address it if a similar issue puts you in the situation you found yourself in. Always have a plan to protect yourself from slipping again.
5. Ask for Forgiveness
This is a big one! It is very easy to ask for forgiveness, but when the hurt is a lot, forgiveness is hard to give. Let the person know that you support them and will stand by them in their journey to forgive you. Know that forgiveness is a journey. There is a destination, but some journeys are longer than others. It all depends on the depth of the hurt. Give the other person time to heal from a mistake you made. You owe them at least that much.
6. Forgive Yourself
A lot of times, we think that once the other person forgives us, we are good to go. Na, my friend. This is a two-part situation. You also have to work on forgiving yourself. If you do not do this, you will inadvertently dump your remorse and guilt onto the other person. And now you make it the other person’s task to help you through your guilt. Forgive yourself and this is an opportunity for you to express this to the one you hurt. That you are on your journey to forgive yourself for what you did. Verbalizing this to the one you hurt, moves you from a place of guilt to knowing you have work to do on yourself to forgive and let go, too.
In Conclusion
All of us have done some wrong in our lives. If it’s not to others, its to ourselves. The road to healing can be long or short. It depends on the sincerity of your apology, the depth of the hurt, and the faith that nothing is permanent and that this too shall pass. For the mere fact that you want to know how to apologize, is the start to your journey to heal the person you love and yourself too. Peace to you, poppet.
Featured photo courtesy of pexels.com
Article last updated on April 19, 2021
